Spiders!
You win. We both have flaws.
You are freaky and disgusting, and I’m not the peaceful Earth Mother who celebrates your place in the Circle of Life.
I would love to “live and let live”–to calmly scoop you up and set you free in the backyard. (After which, I would twirl and skip through a field of flowers.) But for that to happen, I’d have to overcome my primal instinct to scream like a little girl and beat you with my shoe.
Don’t act like you don’t have it coming, though. I think you enjoy antagonizing me. You seem to detect the person in the room who dislikes you the most, and then you decide to make them your BFF. You’re like tiny, horrifying cats–with all the contrariness, but none of the cute.
Yes. I confess. I am guilty of horrible, violent acts of insecticide. But I plead insanity. I was driven over the edge by your plump, hairy bodies and your ungodly number of spindly little legs. Not to mention your perverse tendency to surprise me just as I step into the shower.
Can I really be blamed for losing my mind a little?
But I don’t enjoy being a heartless killer. So here’s a suggestion:
You have eight legs. Run away.
Sincerely,
RJ
Strongly Worded Letters 
Hey RJ (not the name I recall but for discretion sake …?) Anyhow, I just wanted to say these posts are really funny. Kudos to you. it helps me to set boundaries for spiders. The far wall, the floor, the corner… these are all good spots. The ceiling (especially bedroom), the furniture, the bathtub… these are right out and spiderly death must ensue. thanks for the smiles.
Adios
Thanks, Kyle.
I like to think that I am following a proud tradition of fighting injustice from behind a mask…
Glad to hear that you are setting healthy boundaries for spiders. And, of course, I’m happy to help any way I can. 🙂
I wish you a spider-free weekend.
RJ