Please, can I have a dolphin?

Dear Human Resources Department,

I am writing to inform you that the coworker you have provided me with is defective. I would like to return her in exchange for a dolphin.

Did you know that dolphins are smart? Unlike my coworker, they can be trained to perform simple tasks and entertaining tricks.

In addition, if you ask a dolphin for help, they will not respond with a list of reasons why the universe is preventing them from being effective. They will just happily continue with the work of being awesome.

As for team morale, a dolphin would be super fun at work events. And since dolphins have even been known to fight off sharks, I know I could rely on one to have my back.

Every time my coworker even thinks about doing a task, she leaves ten broken things in her wake. I am convinced that I would be much more efficient, and certainly much happier, if I could spend my days training and caring for a dolphin rather than troubleshooting her messes.

I urge you to strongly consider this request. I anxiously await your reply.

Sincerely,

RJ