Strongly Worded Letters

Spiders!

You win. We both have flaws.

You are freaky and disgusting, and I’m not the peaceful Earth Mother who celebrates your place in the Circle of Life.

I would love to “live and let live”–to calmly scoop you up and set you free in the backyard. (After which, I would twirl and skip through a field of flowers.) But for that to happen, I’d have to overcome my primal instinct to scream like a little girl and beat you with my shoe.

Don’t act like you don’t have it coming, though. I think you enjoy antagonizing me. You seem to detect the person in the room who dislikes you the most, and then you decide to make them your BFF. You’re like tiny, horrifying cats–with all the contrariness, but none of the cute.

Yes. I confess. I am guilty of horrible, violent acts of insecticide. But I plead insanity. I was driven over the edge by your plump, hairy bodies and your ungodly number of spindly little legs. Not to mention your perverse tendency to surprise me just as I step into the shower.

Can I really be blamed for losing my mind a little?

But I don’t enjoy being a heartless killer. So here’s a suggestion:

You have eight legs. Run away.

Sincerely,
RJ

Dear Public Restroom Phone-Talker,

What in your life is so all-important that you can’t take a timeout to tinkle?

Let me explain how this works: this Ladies’ room is Vegas. What happens here stays here.

When I shut the stall door, you don’t exist anymore, and I am dead to you. But you’re violating this little unspoken agreement. When you broadcast your private moments to your friends, you’re broadcasting mine as well.

As much as I appreciate the in-stall entertainment, I really don’t need a moment by moment account of Junior’s soccer practice. I don’t need to hear about any mysterious rashes. And I don’t need to hear all about your bad blind date with a mouth-breather… With the amount of over-sharing going on, I kind of feel like we’re having a bad blind date right here.

Are you so afraid of being alone that you can’t be in a bathroom stall by yourself? Your friends must be extremely selfless people to agree to listen to your conversation plus soundtrack… By the way, is it okay if I flush now? I wouldn’t want to interrupt anyone’s train of thought or anything.

Maybe you’re trying to prove your multi-tasking skills. But if you have so much going on that you can’t take a potty-pause, maybe you’re stretched too thin. Besides, the bathroom is for biznis not business.

Do us all a favor: hang it up or hold it, Honey.

Sincerely,
RJ